Everything is about relationships, our relationship to Truth, to our self, to our physical body, to others (friends, family, spouse, co-workers, acquaintances, etc.), to our belongings, to our businesses, to our home, etc. etc.  And each relationship while formless in this dimension, does actually have a form in other dimensions.  Each “relationship” has a life of its own .  Whether that life grows and flourishes or withers away and dies on the vine is totally dependent on how we nurture it, how we take care of it.  And, how we take care of it is determined by what we are Being.  If we’ve made our Home within the smaller context of the self rather than in the larger context of Truth, then we’ll only be concerned about furnishing our own home.  We’ll see relationships as fulfilling our needs, our wants.  We’ll take from the relationship for our own gain.  And, when we perceive that were not getting what we want for ourselves, we revert to our lower nature and use the patterns we’ve put in place that we’ve used in the past to get what we want (could be anger, aggressiveness, abusiveness, manipulativeness, playing victim, etc. etc.).  And, then we take away the relationship’s life and it withers and dies a sad and unfulfilled death. 

If we’re not committed to nurturing and caring for the life of the relationship, ending the relationship then becomes an act of unconditional kindness.  Marriage is such a special relationship in this dimension because that’s the relationship that most clearly shows us what we’re Being, where we’ve made our Home and how we ultimately relate to Truth.              

I know I am not  “person”.  I am not a “coach”.  I am not a “gardener”.  I am not a “woman”.  I am “It”.  How liberating.  How freeing.  I gardened all day not attached to any result, just the joy of moving.  I attended a coaching teleclass–and just talked, not needing to be heard or understood.  No fear of making a mistake or sounding foolish.  No judgements of others.  Just the joy of listening and speaking. 

It’s just so simple.  Just Be what you first are.  It’s so simple that when we see it, we dismiss it as “that’s too easy”; “there must be more to it than that”.  We’re so accustomed to “working at”, “striving towards”, “needing to accomplish”, “if I just try this maybe my life will be better”, etc. etc.  that we mistakenly think that real, fundamental change needs to be difficult.   So, then we pile on another structure that we need to effort at to maintain. 

Being what we first are is effortless.  It doesn’t require any work or effort to maintain.  It just is.   

Initially, I thought that needing to be right was just needing to “get our own way”, that it was all about power or, more accurately, the abuse of power.  But this week, I saw another component of this pattern.  It also has to do with, “If I’m not right, that means I’m wrong”.  And, if I’m wrong then I will be punished, made separate from, will not survive.  That’s huge, and on so many levels.

What if I am wrong?  What if I’ve been wrong about everything I’ve thought (or felt) about anything, anyone in my whole life?  What if every decision I’ve ever made has been wrong?  What if how I have related to everything and everyone in my whole existence on this plane has been wrong?    

And, what if all of that is “just okay”.  

We’re not meant to “survive”.  We’re meant to continuously die and be re-born anew.  That’s how we evolve.  That’s the only way we evolve.  And that means being in the unknown in each moment, being in the unfamiliar in each moment, being out of our comfort zone in each moment, giving up control in each moment.  And, that means, totally, unconditionally trusting the “greater than” more than ourselves.   

Exciting and terrifying at the same time.  And, most important, just True.          

Reflection

1.     What are five things that a coach needs to listen for with a client?

a.     To really understand the client’s point of view (how they think and feel, how they move through the world). 

b.    What really inspires the client, excites them, frees them, lights them up.

c.     Listens for what would fulfill that inspiration as well as what gets in the way.

d.    Listens to the client as their Real Self and relates to them that way.

e.     Listens to what is being said and “what is not being said”.

2.     Which of the listening strategies in this unit do you actively apply and which would you like more practice with?

a.     I would like more practise with paraphrasing and checking perceptions.

b.    Part of truly listening to client is moving beyond our own ideas, values and life choices and focussing on those of the client. We are not really listening to them if we allow our own opinions and judgements to shape how much we hear them.

“A little-recognized value of listening and inquiring relates to the realization that in human

relationships, it is frequently not what the facts are, but what people think the facts are, which is

truly important. There is benefit in learning what someone else’s concept of the reality of the

situation is..” (Bryan Bell)

c.     Moving to action: Analyses without action is not coaching,

3.     How difficult is it to forego judgements and opinions while listening to a client?

a.     It’s difficult when I have a personal agenda.

b.    It’s easy when I make it all about the client’s agenda.

4.     Why can consoling be a problem when listening to a client?

a.     It takes the client out of the depth of their experience and therefore, impairs the degree of self awareness they can when uninterruped.

5.     What is the difference between “rambling and venting” and genuinely unpacking an issue?

a.     When someone is “rambling and venting”, they’re not interested in real communication or in moving forward.  In genuinely unpacking an issue, the person is really interested in seeing what’s not working now and open to exploring what they need to do to get the result they want.

6.     What do you think it means to “listen from the heart”.

a.     Listening from the heart means totally being with the person, listening with no personal agenda, listening with no judgement, listening while sincerely caring about who the other person really is.

I’m seeing more and more that my joining ICA isn’t so much about learning the course materials, techniques or tools as much as it is an opportunity for me to define within me what is true. 

 I did not resonate with everything that was being said in the Perspective (1) class today.  So, I’ve been sitting here for the past 4 hours getting clear on what does resonate with me in regards to Perspectives.  I originally put this down on paper just to help me get clear within myself.  I decided to post what I’ve written, not to try and get anyone to agree with me or to try and change how anyone else sees this topic, but simply to be an expression of self. 

What I know is that, from the level of the person, I am incapable of making real, fundamental changes to my ‘self’.  I also know that each of us has access to a higher, finer way of Being and that a True change in perspective only occurs when we allow that higher, finer way of Being to become us.  Anything other than this is just me trying to control what I want to experience in this existence and what I don’t want to experience.    

For me, any attempt to reframe my perspective from the level of the person is:

1.    Being judgemental about what I’m presently experiencing.

2.    Is just a coping mechanism that takes energy (work and effort) to sustain.

3.    Doesn’t result in a fundamental, real change within.

When, at a level much deeper than that of the person, I, as who I really am, choose to relate to  what I Know rather than what I think or feel, then my perspective automatically changes to a true perspective.  As an example, if, within the person, I become aware that I’m having thoughts and feelings associated with being a victim, then I shift my focus from identifying with those thoughts and feelings to what I Know.  And, what I Know is that I’m “profoundly okay” in the midst of those thoughts and feelings.  I don’t need to try and “fix” them or “change” them in any way.  I just “get to” identify with Truth.  And, since, Truth is where I originally came from and Truth is what I first am, then identifying with Truth is effortless.  And, therefore, the shift in perspective is effortless and real.

If I’m not being profoundly okay within the thoughts and feelings of what I’m experiencing, then I place an unfair burden on the self to find ways to change the experience.  And that is being unkind to the self.  I would not either try to reframe a client’s perspective or even try and get the client to reframe their perspective.  I would simply be that profound okayness in the midst of their present perspective.  And, the client will either allow that true way of being to deeply touch them and respond in kind (which then allows them to see their real self and naturally changes their perspective) or they won’t.  That is their choice and their responsibility which is what, to me, coaching is all about.    

 In re-reading the above, “I shift my focus from identifying with those thoughts and feelings to what I Know”, one could argue that, that is me reframing my perspective—from the perspective of just being a person to that of being who I really am.  And, there is truth in that.  And, that’s because I haven’t fully integrated yet who I really am.  In true reality, there is only one perspective.